DPO, BFN, BFP…just some new words I’ve come to know over the
past 2 years- the lingo used during the quest to fall pregnant a second time.
I can tell you exactly where the pregnancy and ovulation
test kits are in every Dischem, Clicks and independent drug store throughout
the entire Gauteng. (Okay, it sounds dramatic but I am a rep okay?) So
shoot: Alberton village? Glen?
Clearwater? Westgate? Key west? East rand mall? My fave: Pick and Pay Little
falls. Of course I know the direction of every rest room in those malls too.
CRAZY I tell you.
Seriously though- I am no different to an alcoholic when it
comes to the period 8 days past ovulation (DPO). I usually spend about R300 or more
per month on urine sticks and R130 on the blood test at 11 DPO when I refuse to
believe that I’m not pregnant (BFN-BIG FAT NEGATIVE) - once again. By 12 DPO I’m
so depressed and so tired of googling “pregnancy test statistics”, (even though
I know the research findings off by heart after doing it for so long) that I
just roll up in a ball and sulk. When I sift through all the tests that I hide
in a special place (sometimes up to twelve of them), and what I’ve spent on
them- I sulk even more. Two days later my period arrives and I just start
hoping and planning and plotting for the next month.
But when you’ve done this for two years, and you’ve lost one
pregnancy to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and then twins a year later, just
because- and then just struggle, period…you start to freak out.
You beg your GP for Clomid or Femara scripts which are
designed to help you produce more eggs (funny that I gave away some of my eggs
5 years ago as a donor), you hand in the scripts and they seem to be out of
stock because apparently infertility is the new black.
You end up calling the suppliers and they can’t even give
you an alternative. You then go on to a waiting list for the call, and when
they call you, you rush to the pharmacy like some alcohol deprived alcoholic
and pay R600 for 5 tiny tablets. You take these during your period.
You also call and email 20 different adoption agencies, just
in case- just in case. All come back with news that I don’t want to hear.
When one of your best friends fall pregnant after planning
to fall pregnant together, you stay in bed for two days crying.
That is when you declare yourself crazy, insane, obsessed. How can I be so happy and so sad at the same
time?
But here’s the twist: A question to those who know me well:
What is strange about this long explanation that just seems totally
self-centred and ungrateful?
“Lee, where was God in all of this?”
Loedi looked at me 2 months ago and with such a sad voice,
he told me that he is so sad that he has lost me. WHAT?! Im right here.
” No”, he says: “You’ve become crazy and nothing else
matters than falling pregnant. You’re so
unhappy and I really think you should talk to someone, get off the fertility
meds (which screwed up my cycle and moods) ,and trust in Gods timing like you
used to do”
Losing total control of my words, tears and emotions, I even
surprised myself: “No! I’m angry with
God, I love Him so much, and He knows that Christmas day I wanted a BFP (BIG FAT
POSITIVE), and when I ,instead got my period for Christmas, I prayed for a BFP
for my birthday at least- but then instead had to hear TWO of my friends were
expecting with the same due date! I
planned my studies around it, Hunter needs a friend- shes driving me CRAZY.
Yeah. God has forgotten about me”.
Loedi just looked at me. And I knew I was in trouble. My
soul was in trouble.
We decided that 31 March would be the cut-off date. If I
wasn’t pregnant by that day, we were going to adopt a little black baby.
Meanwhile I needed to get help.
I made an appointment with pastor Marita, a referral from
Alette who had told me that she had healed her soul a year prior- from all the
things she had thought she had resolved when she was younger and even her own
miscarriage before Lian. I had known about Marita for a year…and just knew it
was time to make the call.
Long story short- I ended up seeing her and I met with God
on a whole new level. I saw that He was in control. I saw a future with two
kids. I went home feeling so relieved and so aware of Gods love and mercy and
grace. This was round about 20 February.
On the 3 rd of March Loedi and I was blessed with an
incredible date night at Silverstar casino hotel. We caught up with life in
general. We had so much to drink, I couldn’t believe that we got up the next
day and went to work.
Exactly 10 days later I started obsessing again. The first
test was negative. On day 11, another negative. On day 12…I saw a faint second
line. I couldn’t believe it, so ripped the test apart like I’ve done before and
held against the light in every possible position. I tried another test…faint
second line again.
And that was me. I fell to my knees and started screaming,
weeping and crying out to God thanking him. I was pregnant.
On 30 March my gynaecologist confirmed it- 1 day before the
cut off we had given ourselves and God before we would have adopted.
I Wish this was the part where I wrote: “And then I was so
damn happy and nothing else mattered anymore”.
That would be the biggest lie.
I went into a deep depression about two weeks later. I think
my hormones just took over my body. My skin broke out in acne boils and I was
nauseous all the time. I couldn’t eat anything that I liked, but I stayed
hungry so what could I do? I could really not drink anything either- I mean not
even water to swallow my tablets. (Did I mention I was on 4 types of pills-
from hormones to vitamins, so this baby would make it?)
We also went to Cape town 3 weeks later. I was there, but I
wasn’t. All I remember was getting up, feeling horrible, chatting to my in laws
a bit and the sleeping the rest of the day. I think we went out 3 or 4 times in
the two weeks we were there. I never got to see most of my friends who I miss
so much every day. Idonette and Ava only got like 30 minutes of me and Karen,
one church service. I never saw Andriette, Alette or Kelly. I felt most sorry for my in laws. I’m just so
glad they got to bond with Hunter and that they just took over my duties.
Guilt also ate me alive- I was complaining and crying and so
miserable – and this is what I wanted. I kept on praying to God to forgive me.
When we got home it was about another 3 weeks of this. My
gynaecologist said everything was looking great- but I wanted to die.
I woke up on the second day of week 12 feeling myself again.
Coffee didn’t make me nauseous anymore and I could go to gym and carry on as
usual.
I started thinking about my friends in alphabetical order:
Annice- how I haven’t been checking in on her and pippie, Andriette and Anke-
not regularly messaging anymore, Alette-
how I missed our visit in Cape town and how I haven’t even been sending support
when you had baby nr 3, Christelle- always messaging first, Donna- how I
haven’t checked in on your pregnancy, Joleen- not making a bigger deal of your
birthday or showing enough appreciation when you and Chris house sat our house
, Kelly and Frans- the bravest parents I know, we don’t see each other because we don’t want to, but I
feel as though I don’t push hard enoughJ
Nika- also not making a big deal of your birthday and not being there for you
during your pregnancy, Natalie- I still owe you a birthday gift and a meal made
by Me and not by You in my own house. Mandy- you went through depression and
remission and I wasn’t there. Marsha- missing Logans stork party and his
christening, Marissa- missing Millas stork party, Idonette- I don’t even know
how it’s going with your new work ventures, Jess- I definitely don’t check in
enough, Ronel- I only saw you 5 minutes when you were in SA, Karen- I know we
have this understanding and special bond, but I can do more… Wilma, Rolanda and
Sureshnie- I don’t ask or see enough of you- it’s just wrong. I also thought
about so many other friends-Sam, Denise (guardian angel),Magriki, Babette, Landi
H, Lizette, Kelly M, Liezl G, Liezl P, Astri, KC, Madsie, Kubashnie, Dale and
her pregnancy, Lindi , Andriette, Minki, Rene, Charnel, Annerie, Ursula, Sarah and Marlene, Neelsie, Justin, Hyman… my
own family far and so wide…stuck in bed, I just missed everyone so much and I was just
so sorry that I had been such a bad friend.
Mostly I felt guilty over how I treated Loedi. He would sometimes make breakfast ,lunch and dinner consecutively for weeks without complaining. He would take care of Hunter like a mother would and he wouldn't complain.
Its week 14 now, and I feel better- I just wish I could have
all these people in the same room for an hour- suppose I’ll be having two baby
showersJ
one here and one in Cape Town. And there’s my 30th next year
FebruaryJ
I still have my ups and downs- but Loedi is much more
understanding with my moods than with Hunter, so it helps a lot. My faith is
also much stronger than 10 weeks ago when all I wanted to do was die. The fact
that I can eat without feeling like death also helps and the fact that I love
swimming at the gym. My skin will also be better soon.
Im praying for a breakthrough in my career as well. Ive been counselling at SADAC and touring with Lollos just for a bit of change in scenery while I try to complete my Very difficult Honours. My exams will be in October, 7 months pregnant :)
So there you have the road to Storm…Let’s see what the 2nd
trimester has in store for meJ
