Dear Husband

Dear husband, I would like to tell the world how awesome you are because you really are.
The day you drove into my parking lot in your rusted Corsa bakkie four months after your big move from Cape town, changed my life forever. You were stick thin and broke. But rich in all the things I wanted. I did drive a BMW z4, though not technically Mine, I had one so why would I need it from You? I had money to spend on consumers- you were my consumer- so why would I need you to take me to some fancy restaurant? What I didnt have was a boyfriend who had a heart of gold. Even on our first date you told me that you loved God, had worked in an Aids orphanage years before, and wanted to adopt one day. You told me about your plans to make it work in Johannesburg. And man you were not just smooth talking. 6 Years later I couldnt be prouder.

Dear husband, I am so sorry that we spent your 35th birthday doing nothing. And that I went to bed at 7 because I had to write the next day. I swear ill make it up to you.

Dear husband, thank you for allowing me to study to begin with- not just for the instrumental support but for the emotional support. You have basically taken over with Hunter, you make us dinner every night and you clean the house , properly at that.

Dear husband, thank you for making me cauly rice, every night- or when we are actually able to find cauliflower, thanks to prof Tim Noakes. I dont think people know how time consuming it is. Since we dont have a food processor, you stand there with our pathetic little excuse of a hand grater, and grate up a whole head of cauliflower, then you chop up a whole onion, tears streaming down your perfect cheeks. Then you actually make it, and serve it with meat in a perfect square.

Dear husband, thank you for pointing out everyone who doesnt appreciate me, and then fighting with me until I agree, hard and painful as it may be. You always end up showing me friends are very cool, but at the end of the day I have You, and best of all, you despise gossip.

Dear husband, thank you for having based alot of Very big decisions on us as family where you could have chosen other things- even though you sometimes do suffer for it. Your heart is gold, youll get what you deserve soon.

Dear husband , thank you for not fighting with me over money, jealousy, or any other stupid things couples fight about today- but rather over things I can improve with Hunter or myself. Youre such a good dad.

Dear husband , thank you for also being very hot.

Dear husband, thank you for making me look good in front of my friends. Its much cooler being complimented for that than being complimented on a big 1 carat diamond. Just today a friend told me that she had never seen a husband your age being so caring. Some people dont see it, only your strictness and your professional demeanour


Dear husband, thank you for making  me cry today. In church. In front of everyone.
We are not even officially in Mozaiek yet, but you choose to serve. Today you helped out with the kids ministry, while I sat inside, just to finally get some church again, and while I sat there, this massive image of your goofy face came on the screen. You wore a shirt that siad AIM TO SERVE, and you held this little matching sign too. And this was particularly for the media team. You didnt get paid to serve on the team, you didnt get paid to leave the home at 6am til 12pm every sunday, you just do it. You can play in the band too. You can preach if you wanted to, or had the self confidence that I have in you. You can do anything. I felt rather silly that I didnt do anything there.

So, dear husband, here I am in tears, for the second time today, youre my hero, and I will follow you, even if I cant see past the horison or my own little comfort zone sometimes.

Ill keep on studying hard, working hard, and make your efforts with me worthwhile ...one day.
So that you can stop working and make music for a year...

The road to baby Storm

DPO, BFN, BFP…just some new words I’ve come to know over the past 2 years- the lingo used during the quest to fall pregnant a second time.

I can tell you exactly where the pregnancy and ovulation test kits are in every Dischem, Clicks and independent drug store throughout the entire Gauteng. (Okay, it sounds dramatic but I am a rep okay?) So shoot:  Alberton village? Glen? Clearwater? Westgate? Key west? East rand mall? My fave: Pick and Pay Little falls. Of course I know the direction of every rest room in those malls too. CRAZY I tell you.

Seriously though- I am no different to an alcoholic when it comes to the period 8 days past ovulation (DPO). I usually spend about R300 or more per month on urine sticks and R130 on the blood test at 11 DPO when I refuse to believe that I’m not pregnant (BFN-BIG FAT NEGATIVE) - once again. By 12 DPO I’m so depressed and so tired of googling “pregnancy test statistics”, (even though I know the research findings off by heart after doing it for so long) that I just roll up in a ball and sulk. When I sift through all the tests that I hide in a special place (sometimes up to twelve of them), and what I’ve spent on them- I sulk even more. Two days later my period arrives and I just start hoping and planning and plotting for the next month.

But when you’ve done this for two years, and you’ve lost one pregnancy to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and then twins a year later, just because- and then just struggle, period…you start to freak out.

You beg your GP for Clomid or Femara scripts which are designed to help you produce more eggs (funny that I gave away some of my eggs 5 years ago as a donor), you hand in the scripts and they seem to be out of stock because apparently infertility is the new black.

You end up calling the suppliers and they can’t even give you an alternative. You then go on to a waiting list for the call, and when they call you, you rush to the pharmacy like some alcohol deprived alcoholic and pay R600 for 5 tiny tablets. You take these during your period.

You also call and email 20 different adoption agencies, just in case- just in case. All come back with news that I don’t want to hear.

When one of your best friends fall pregnant after planning to fall pregnant together, you stay in bed for two days crying.

That is when you declare yourself crazy, insane, obsessed.  How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time?

But here’s the twist: A question to those who know me well: What is strange about this long explanation that just seems totally self-centred and ungrateful?

“Lee, where was God in all of this?”

Loedi looked at me 2 months ago and with such a sad voice, he told me that he is so sad that he has lost me. WHAT?!  Im right here.

” No”, he says: “You’ve become crazy and nothing else matters than falling pregnant.  You’re so unhappy and I really think you should talk to someone, get off the fertility meds (which screwed up my cycle and moods) ,and trust in Gods timing like you used to do”

Losing total control of my words, tears and emotions, I even surprised myself:  “No! I’m angry with God, I love Him so much, and He knows that Christmas day I wanted a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE), and when I ,instead got my period for Christmas, I prayed for a BFP for my birthday at least- but then instead had to hear TWO of my friends were expecting with the same due date!  I planned my studies around it, Hunter needs a friend- shes driving me CRAZY. Yeah. God has forgotten about me”.

Loedi just looked at me. And I knew I was in trouble. My soul was in trouble.

We decided that 31 March would be the cut-off date. If I wasn’t pregnant by that day, we were going to adopt a little black baby. Meanwhile I needed to get help.

I made an appointment with pastor Marita, a referral from Alette who had told me that she had healed her soul a year prior- from all the things she had thought she had resolved when she was younger and even her own miscarriage before Lian. I had known about Marita for a year…and just knew it was time to make the call.

Long story short- I ended up seeing her and I met with God on a whole new level. I saw that He was in control. I saw a future with two kids. I went home feeling so relieved and so aware of Gods love and mercy and grace. This was round about 20 February.

On the 3 rd of March Loedi and I was blessed with an incredible date night at Silverstar casino hotel. We caught up with life in general. We had so much to drink, I couldn’t believe that we got up the next day and went to work.

Exactly 10 days later I started obsessing again. The first test was negative. On day 11, another negative. On day 12…I saw a faint second line. I couldn’t believe it, so ripped the test apart like I’ve done before and held against the light in every possible position. I tried another test…faint second line again.

And that was me. I fell to my knees and started screaming, weeping and crying out to God thanking him. I was pregnant.

On 30 March my gynaecologist confirmed it- 1 day before the cut off we had given ourselves and God before we would have adopted.

I Wish this was the part where I wrote: “And then I was so damn happy and nothing else mattered anymore”.

That would be the biggest lie.

I went into a deep depression about two weeks later. I think my hormones just took over my body. My skin broke out in acne boils and I was nauseous all the time. I couldn’t eat anything that I liked, but I stayed hungry so what could I do? I could really not drink anything either- I mean not even water to swallow my tablets. (Did I mention I was on 4 types of pills- from hormones to vitamins, so this baby would make it?)

We also went to Cape town 3 weeks later. I was there, but I wasn’t. All I remember was getting up, feeling horrible, chatting to my in laws a bit and the sleeping the rest of the day. I think we went out 3 or 4 times in the two weeks we were there. I never got to see most of my friends who I miss so much every day. Idonette and Ava only got like 30 minutes of me and Karen, one church service. I never saw Andriette, Alette or Kelly.  I felt most sorry for my in laws. I’m just so glad they got to bond with Hunter and that they just took over my duties.

Guilt also ate me alive- I was complaining and crying and so miserable – and this is what I wanted. I kept on praying to God to forgive me.

When we got home it was about another 3 weeks of this. My gynaecologist said everything was looking great- but I wanted to die.

I woke up on the second day of week 12 feeling myself again. Coffee didn’t make me nauseous anymore and I could go to gym and carry on as usual.

I started thinking about my friends in alphabetical order: Annice- how I haven’t been checking in on her and pippie, Andriette and Anke- not regularly messaging anymore,  Alette- how I missed our visit in Cape town and how I haven’t even been sending support when you had baby nr 3, Christelle- always messaging first, Donna- how I haven’t checked in on your pregnancy, Joleen- not making a bigger deal of your birthday or showing enough appreciation when you and Chris house sat our house , Kelly and Frans- the bravest parents I know, we don’t  see each other because we don’t want to, but I feel as though I don’t push hard enoughJ Nika- also not making a big deal of your birthday and not being there for you during your pregnancy, Natalie- I still owe you a birthday gift and a meal made by Me and not by You in my own house. Mandy- you went through depression and remission and I wasn’t there. Marsha- missing Logans stork party and his christening, Marissa- missing Millas stork party, Idonette- I don’t even know how it’s going with your new work ventures, Jess- I definitely don’t check in enough, Ronel- I only saw you 5 minutes when you were in SA, Karen- I know we have this understanding and special bond, but I can do more… Wilma, Rolanda and Sureshnie- I don’t ask or see enough of you- it’s just wrong. I also thought about so many other friends-Sam, Denise (guardian angel),Magriki, Babette, Landi H, Lizette, Kelly M, Liezl G, Liezl P, Astri, KC, Madsie, Kubashnie, Dale and her pregnancy, Lindi , Andriette, Minki, Rene, Charnel, Annerie, Ursula,  Sarah and Marlene, Neelsie, Justin, Hyman… my own family far and so wide…stuck in bed,  I just missed everyone so much and I was just so sorry that I had been such a bad friend.

Mostly I felt guilty over how I treated Loedi. He would sometimes make breakfast ,lunch and dinner consecutively for weeks without complaining. He would take care of Hunter like a mother would and he wouldn't complain.

Its week 14 now, and I feel better- I just wish I could have all these people in the same room for an hour- suppose I’ll be having two baby showersJ one here and one in Cape Town. And there’s my 30^th next year FebruaryJ

I still have my ups and downs- but Loedi is much more understanding with my moods than with Hunter, so it helps a lot. My faith is also much stronger than 10 weeks ago when all I wanted to do was die. The fact that I can eat without feeling like death also helps and the fact that I love swimming at the gym. My skin will also be better soon.

Im praying for a breakthrough in my career as well. Ive been counselling at SADAC and touring with Lollos just for a bit of change in scenery while I try to complete my Very difficult Honours. My exams will be in October, 7 months pregnant :)

So there you have the road to Storm…Let’s see what the 2^nd trimester has in store for meJ

Still Faithing on....

R1250 on home pregnancy tests, R1000 on quantitive blood tests (fancy word for pregnancy tests), R20 000 on gynaecologist appointments and services (including discount and excluding theatre and anaesthesia which medical aid pays 100%), R1000 on medication, 8kg of emotional weight gain, double dozes of anti-depressants, 1 million prayers, 1 million “im so sorry’s”, 18 months, two miscarriages, 32 negative results…and im still waiting for a miracle…That is what ive been up to since the last time ive written anything on the subject.

It’s been hard. Ive really tried focussing hard on things like my studies- finally finishing my degree- and small little challenges like impulsively entering the 94.7 again two days before the race and 2 weeks after I lost the twin embrios. I also have been spending time supporting one of my best friends Mandy, with her cancer journey. I must say, I drew a lot of strength from her. She was given 6 months when I met her end 2012, and she’s still here almost a year and a half later, enduring 7 different hells of pain.

Although ive gained weight and lost and gained and lost again, ive discovered bootcamp at virgin active little falls, and the instructor is amazing. I spin with her too. I haven’t ever spoken to her, but she’s really always played a key part when I had to recover from surgery (s) and when I was just down and ready to give up. She’s just this ball of life. Never stops. One day I’ll sit her down (if that’s even possible), and find out her story. Funny that, I have so many “celeb” friends, so being shy is not the problem- I just have this huge admiration for her and her perfect body that I wouldn’t know what to talk about without sounding gayJ

Ive also been chatting to God a lot and His purpose for all of this. I must say- I haven’t been cross with Him, as many expected would happen. It’s made me be more interested in my Calling and purpose that He has laid out for me. Are we supposed to adopt? Why amidst all of this pain, anxiety and tests of faithfulness, have I been getting these signs. Repeatedly. Are we just seriously not ready for another baby? Am I supposed to draw even closer to God first and stop obsessing?

The most important thing I have learned is the fact that I have a lot of girl friends to pray for. Friends who can’t even have one baby. I need to pray life into their wombs, money for (worst case scenario) IVF treatments, world class doctors, and hearts that are open to adoption. I’ve done so much research on the adoption subject- and even though all private agencies have closed waiting lists for white adoptions (because abortions have taken over and fertility increased to an all-time high) - there are still millions of black little babies desperately needing homes. You are allowed to ask for a healthy black baby too if that is an issue! I can’t imagine making such a big difference in one child’s life. A child who otherwise would have had nothing.

Why these prayers? Because I know how it hurts, and at least I’ve got one child- so multiply my pain by two!

So now, here I am, telling you why you’ve seen me up and down fuelled with faith on some days and then some days crying out in anguish like David in the Bible. I felt the need to share, because I’ve met some awesome people on Facebook throughout the years- people who have sometimes given me more support than my real friends. This is me. It’s been hard, but my husband has been incredible, my sister has helped So much with Hunter and our parents have been praying.

“Die wyse man bou sy huis op die rots…die reen val neer..en die huis op die rots staan vas..”

One thing remains- Jesus. The centre of Hope, love and faith.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving (HUNTER, FAMILY, FRIENDS, and the pregnancy of a friend that I really prayed for), present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Phil 4:6-7.

 

Until we meet again,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgv-VRtMEU&feature=player_detailpage

 

http://vimeo.com/83605785

 

 

LEE